the icebreaker
You Might Also Like
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
he looks great for his age
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Check your privilege
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods