the icebreaker
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.