Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.