The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Very good news from my accountant
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.