The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home