The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
you’re so productive for your wage
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
