The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
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accurate
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
no regrets
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“No way.” -Jose
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you