The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
When you’re Kinky but poor
