The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Does it…does it take 3 days
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.