The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist