Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space