Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

How is it still this week?

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

socratic questions

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.