The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.