the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
How to wake up a Beagle
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.