The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.