The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
i will not be silenced
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
my first dose meeting my second
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.