Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.