The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Well well well…
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.