The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I have a type: disappointing
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*