The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses