The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.