“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My patience has stretch marks.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
more water
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”