The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
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breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.