Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4