The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

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BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.


I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.


Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.


No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.


Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.