The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
You Might Also Like
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!