Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you