The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Weirdly Wednesday.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
How do I get a job writing these texts
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.