Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?