The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing