The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You Might Also Like
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii