The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week