Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Pretty much! 😂👀

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

wishing you and yours all the best

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it