The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My love language is deader than Latin
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him