Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

I think this should do it.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

🤣dope

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.