The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Sex so good you see dead people.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
We’ve all been there…
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
White Castle for the Win
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms