Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

This seems like peak sibling energy

😉

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.