The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
need him
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Heroic Misunderstanding
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.