Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

😂

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.