The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The Friday File.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Man these end times are taking forever
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
What do you text your spouse?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.