The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Icarus loved hot wings.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
