The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
🐿️
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Just added something to my bucket list.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]