Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)