The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
that wasn’t the question
