The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
You Might Also Like
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here