Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?