The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.