The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Called it
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.