Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”