The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work