The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.