The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I falcon love using swear birds
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Noah
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.