[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.