The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m not proud
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’m Sold!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!