Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

handsome & gretel

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.