Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”