The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
It’s on my to-do list.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.