Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.