Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt