The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
We know he can swim but…
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison