Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can you read it!!??

maan!

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

pain

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

He a real one for that

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.