The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I stand by it
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!