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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.