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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”