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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My therapist after every session
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster