Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.