the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
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Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.