the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
The asteroid..
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
see you in hell you stupid fruit
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.