the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
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Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Ooh I do like a good funnel
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you