Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*