The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE