The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Jogging
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
