The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
here we go again
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
