The internet is full of many things
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist