The internet is full of many things
You Might Also Like
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?