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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
you’re so productive for your wage
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
this site is so cooked lol
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.