The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
who will stop them
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going