The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“I wouldn’t.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out